Hope Renewed

 December 2, 2013 was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Through some of the most unpleasant of circumstances, my husband left the kids and I. He was forced to leave our home over one very bad decision. Well, it is hardly ever just one decision that dooms us, is it? I suppose it was a series of smaller bad decisions that lead to the horrible decision that brought about the destruction of our family.
For 47 days I have been without my husband and my children have been without their father. I have lived and operated as a single mother. I alone have taken care of the kids, maintained the house, done the shopping, homeschooled.. everything.. alone. For weeks my days ended with me climbing into my bed at night and crying myself to sleep.

I was miserable.

At first I was very angry and very hurt. I spent a great deal of time in bed and went down 2 dress sizes due to lack of appetite. I didn't know what to do. I kept questioning the Lord. I didn't understand why.
Why my family? 

I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. I have never prayed so much in my life. I prayed for comfort; I prayed for wisdom and understanding. I prayed for my children and the confusion they must be suffering from.

One of the hardest things to understand in all of this was the timing. You see, I have spent the past several months concentrating on making myself a better wife. I wanted to be the best wife possible for my husband. I needed to learn how to respect and honor him. I needed to learn how to hold my tongue. I wanted to learn how to be a godly wife. Beyond all else, I wanted want to please God with every aspect of my life. I read book after book and blog after blog. I searched the scriptures for instruction. I prayed so heartily for God to change my heart and make me a wife after His own heart.

Before all this happened, I had seen God do an amazing work in my own heart. I was actually seeing my husband differently. I wanted more than anything to please my husband. Knowing that he was happy and cared for meant the world to me.

When all of this happened, I really questioned why now? Why did You let me go through all of this growing just to take my husband away? It just didn't make sense. It was so painful. In talking to others, I have learned that pain is universal. No matter the circumstances of when, where or how, pain of the heart knows no boundaries.

I was facing many decisions much sooner than I was ready to make them. After three weeks I decided the best thing to do was end my marriage. I drove to the attorney's office and sat in the car and cried. I never thought I would be moments away from signing divorce papers. I never thought it would us. After the appointment I went back to the car and cried some more.

Two weeks after I filed I was driving up to my mother's house. She lives a good hour away. I was listening to one my favorite programs on Moody Radio. Truth for Life with Alistair Begg. Alistair's teaching are always profound yet simple. This particular message was about God bringing His children back to him.

Let me stop here and explain something... My husband was never a godly husband. He didn't smoke, drink or cuss. He didn't gamble or watch pornography. He was a Christian man but not a godly man. He tithed. He prayed before meals. However, he didn't lead his family. He wasn't concerned with the things of God outside of Sunday morning. What I needed most from him, a spiritual leader of our home, was the biggest thing lacking. The first year of our marriage was horrific. We fought constantly. We had different standards and morals. We had different views on the extent to which Christ should reign in our home. I threw fits and nagged him to lead us. I really thought that if I pestered him enough, he would seek God. I was wrong. Wow, was I wrong. If anything, I did more damage than good.
About a year and a half into our marriage, I gave up trying to get him to lead us. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to lead the kids the best I possibly could and try to keep the obvious hypocrisy in our home to a minimum. Having written that, it's obvious how much I was still relying on myself and not God. Anyway, back to Alistair...

So, I was driving to my mother's house, listening to Alistair preach a message about some of the different methods and techniques God uses to bring us back to Him. He chases those who are His and won't allow us to be happy anywhere but in His will. I knew that. Mr. Begg further explained something called a great calamity. A great calamity could be anything that drastically changes your life. Something that you have no control over but have to endure.

Suddenly, it was so obvious. It was as if God Himself had whispered in my ear. I know that sounds crazy but the clarity I experienced in that moment and the inherent soul calming could have come from nowhere else but God.

My husband was going through a great calamity. God was bringing him to where he ought to have been. Having not spoken to my husband up to this point, I trusted this new hope. I trusted that God was molding my husband into the leader I desperately needed.

At first I kept this glimmer of hope to myself. I told no one of my epiphany. I had to decided what to do with this new prospective future. Should I cling to it and hope for the best? Should I write if off as the enemy trying to take me down with my husband?

The choices were clear.
I could stand by my husband in love, respect and support and claim the promises of God (He makes all things new and works everything to our good).
Or. I could protect my heart and go with what the world says- get a divorce, cut my loses and start over.
I was torn. I had a brief moment of hope but it quickly faded when the world started talking again. I became confused. How quickly our thoughts become corrupted by those of this world.

I chose love and canceled the divorce.

I got in contact with my husband and found what God had shown me to be true. My husband was indeed a new man. He had been humbled, broken and remolded by the hands of God. His heart  and soul was is seeking God and heavenly things like never before.
I have heard more scripture come out of his mouth in the past 20 days than in the past 3 years (we were married October 2010) He has a new hope and vision for our family. He has realized and accepted his role as leader of our family. I cannot convey how happy I am to know that the Lord has heard and answered my prayers. Of course, this is not the way I would have liked it to happen but maybe this is what it took.. a great calamity.

Someone once told me that the test never comes before the lesson- meaning that you are not tested on something you haven't yet learned. I believe that is why I went through that long personal growing process before all this happened. I had to get right with the Lord and see things His way before I could ever respond the way He would have me to with something like this. To be honest, had I not, I wouldn't have chosen love. I would have listened to the world. I praise God for His timing and His ways. They are so much above our own.

There is a long road ahead of us. There is still much to overcome. We will get through this.
We will get through this and come out victorious together.